Six Month Pregancy Update

I am six months pregnant today and happily realizing that I have more behind me than ahead! Interestingly, I've noticed that some people can't help making a face (usually a rapid signal of sadness or embarrassment) when I mention that I don't really enjoy being pregnant. Maybe they interpret this to mean that I am unhappy about having another child. Quite to the contrary, like my first, this baby was enthusiastically planned and is very happily anticipated. Of course, nurturing another human being within your own body is a beautiful thing... in concept. One of the heights of the human experience, a blessing, etc.. But, for me, being pregnant is the means to an end -a baby.

It is the baby I am excited about. I get no special pleasure from the extra attention (except that which I get from my husband who claims to find me beautiful this way). And, contrary to social expectations, I don't see myself as "glowing" -just having oily skin. I don't think the added weight makes me look "cute" -just fat. In fact, the only part of being "with child" I enjoy is the "child" part; feeling her move inside of me, seeing her on the ultrasound, anticipating our meeting, buying the clothes, the gear.

The truth is I am growing increasingly uncomfortable in my own skin, having horrible heartburn and mild insomnia that only gets worse every night.Coupled with the ever present, somewhat comical and often embarrassing pregnancy brain and mood swings I am, admittedly, no walk in the park- especially for my silently suffering husband.

That said, it is a funny thing duly noted by many of my mom friends that in a year or two I, like them, will look back on the discomforts of pregnancy and think to myself, "It wasn't that bad. It was fun... I can't wait to do it all over again!"

Though, for now, all I can say is no pain, no gain. Pregnancy is hard but oh so worth it -a minor sacrifice for the unparalleled beauty and joy a new life brings. A sacrifice I willingly accept, am grateful for and will want to endure again (and again?). But it is not the sacrifice itself I enjoy, it is knowing what I will get in return.

Affirmative Action

Affirmative Action: an active effort to improve the employment or educational opportunities of members of minority groups and women.

Sounds great, right? Bigot swine aside, who wouldn't want qualified women and blacks, asians, latinos, etc. in the workforce? The problem with affirmative action and the reason I think it is an unfair practice is that it usually overlooks how qualified a person is in favor of their skin color or sex. That is why in Britain they call it "positive discrimination". LOL, this term always makes me laugh, kind of like "reverse racism".

"Positive" discrimination? What does that man? Well, basically, it means that if you have worked your ass off to be at the top of your class and have taken internships to develop skills you think will make you more qualified than the next guy, you'd better hope the next guy is not black or a woman, or you can bet that if the company practices "positive discrimination" AKA "affirmative action", you're screwed!

P.C. Disclaimer: I hate the term African-American. I use "black". If you are offended, you are probably white so I'll ask you, how many black americans do you know that were born in, or have ever lived in Africa? What makes them African-American, then? Ancestry, you say? Well then, shouldn't we all be called African-Americans? Anyway...

Luckily for me, I happen to be a woman of hispanic descent (even though you can't really tell by my skin color) in a field and industry that is overwhelmingly dominated by white males. Chuh-Ching!! I'd love to say that I have such amazing foresight that I predicted this unfair advantage but, the fact is, I love Physics - and Mechanical Engineering was just the most closely related field in which I felt I could actually make some money.

So, I graduated from college with a 3.4 GPA and a 6 month old daughter, and still managed to juggle an internship I felt would make me more qualified than the next guy. And, probably because I was not the next guy, I landed a job with a large corporation that will remain nameless.

On my first day, I realized that I was the ONLY woman in my office building, and in the one next to that, and in the entire department, made up of at least 100 employees. Then, I realized that I was the only hispanic salaried person in the entire factory (1000+ employees)! Hmmmm... I began to wonder if there was not an unlucky white guy with a 4.0 GPA and more experience who did not get the job because he wouldn't have satisfied some affirmative action plan devised to save the company's reputation from being tarnished by insinuations of sexism or racism.

If I am so against affirmative action why, you may wonder, do I not resign on moral grounds?
Why do I stick around and reap it's benefits? Simply stated, I am no fool! Affirmative action did not only (in all likelihood) help me get this job but it also makes it harder for them to fire me and, as a consequence, I get paid a decent salary for working a desk job with more than my share of leniancies. And now that I am visibly pregnant this has only gotten better (worse), to the point that my male co-workers have started to notice and leak their resentment. And, while I never expected to get any special treatment and concede that it is extremely unfair and just plain disgusting, you won't hear me complaining to HR!

Another reason, probably the most important reason, I'm sticking around is that I believe that I am qualified and that I am great at my job. Like many in my graduating class (and perhaps even more so), I worked my ass off! I have memories that will never leave me of trying to breastfeed a screaming newborn while studying for a final at 4 a.m. on two hours of sleep! And, even though I will never know if I am here because my company needed to fill some diversity gap, because they felt I was the most qualified person in their pool, or a little bit of both, knowing that about myself is good enough for me!

IT'S A GIRL!

"Going Public" and The Nub Theory

Today, I am 16 weeks and 4 days pregnant. A friend of mine recently asked me why I had not "gone public" yet. I assumed she meant why hadn't made a status update or new blog post announcing the good news, but it made me chuckle because I imagined myself on the cover of a tabloid mag sporting suspicious belly bulge with a header that read "Is it a baby bump?". Here is my version:)

I am thrilled to have another child and a sibling for Dahlia. This pregnancy has been almost completely different from the first, so far. For one, I have only gained 5 lbs, which is 7 lbs less than I had gained by week 16 of my first pregnancy. On the downside, I got to see what morning sickness was like with this baby and, some evenings, I am so exhausted after work that I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to put Dahlia to bed! Luckily, in the second trimester (my favorite part of pregnancy) the general malaise is starting to wane, I can feel the baby move occasionally and, soon, I will start looking pregnant instead of just overweight!

Another reason I love the second trimester is that it is the time you get to find out your baby's gender if you so choose! Having a little girl at home, I would love to have a boy next but, more than anything, I just want to be able to go shopping and buy something that isn't unisex! I've been so eager to know if I will have a boy or a girl that, at about 11 weeks, I did some online research into early gender detection using ultrasound, more crudely known as "nub theory". It has to do with the "angle of the dangle" of your fetus' genital tubercle, the protrusion that will eventually form into a clitoris or penis, and it is measured in relation to the spine. It is simple really, >30 degrees indicates a boy and anything less is a girl. It has well documented accuracy when done correctly (about 75% at 12 weeks) and is not a wives tale[1].

[1] Determination of gender - 10 and 14 weeks , Z Efrat et al, Journal: Ultrasound in Obstetrics and Gynecology 1999; 13:305–30.

Anyway, while the theory itself is simple, convincing your ultrasound tech that you do not just have a case of "I read it on the internet, so it must be true!", is another matter all together.

Nevertheless, at my 12 week appointment, I enthusiastically asked if she knew of the technique and if we could try it. I stressed that it would just be for fun and that I would not take the results too seriously. She did not address my question but instead said dismissively, "Well, I'll take a picture of whatever you want but I don't have the equipment to take those measurements". I asked her to just try to get a good shot of it and that I would measure the angle at home (with that sophisticated piece of equipment known as a protractor).

When she had completed the nuchal translucency measurements and located the nasal bone, I could tell she was about to wrap up, so I reminded her of my request. She sighed heavily and said, "You know, this really isn't accurate at this age. We are talking about a "microscopic" size here." Microscopic? I thought, almost laughing out loud, Not really, but I looked at her pleasantly and respectfully explained the theory again and that I was not trying to measure the size but the angle. "I just need a picture of it.", I smiled. "Ok. So, what is it I'm looking for?", she asked repositioning the ultrasound probe. "The genital tubercle", I repeated for what must have been the fourth time. "You can't see the genitalia this early one.", she said with an air of authority. "ARGH!!", I thought. "I know. The genital tubercle is a protrusion that eventually forms into genitalia. It is the same for male and female fetus' with the exception of the angle."

I am sure that this came out condescending but, at that point, I was ready to return some of what she'd been dishing out. "Do you do ultrasounds?", she asked sardonically. She was letting her insecurity show, so I decided to end it there and left- without a usable nub pic.

Luckily, there are only two more weeks left before I have my anatomical ultrasound and hopefully, if the baby (and the technician) co-operates, I will finally know what color onesies to buy!

Update to Picky Eater

So last night, after making Dahlia one of the four dinners she'll actually eat (Grilled Cheese and Green Beans), I sat down to have my own dinner of which the main course was chicken (I know, we eat a lot of chicken). Dahlia spots me from across the room, walks over to me and hovers over my plate as she often does on the nights we don't get a chance to eat together as a family. "What's that?", she asks, pointing at my chicken. "It's chicken. Do you want some?", I ask through a chuckle, 100% sure she that, after the chicken battle of the previous week, she would run away screaming.

"Want some. Yessss!", she replied. "Yeah right", I thought, and held up a big chunk of breast meat on a fork. To my astonishment and utter disbelief, she opened her mouth wide, chewed, swallowed and asked for more! I yelled across the room to John to come over and repeated the feat...TWICE!!

I fed her nearly all of it and spent the rest of the night trying to wrap my head around it. Two days before, I could have water boarded her and she wouldn't have touched that chicken! Indeed, she demonstrated that she would rather eat nothing at all than take even a single bite. Yet, there she was, eagerly eating chicken off my plate!

I still can't explain it. Pushing a child to eat a food is supposed to put them off of it... right? I spent at least two hours last week with a plate of chicken in one hand and a tub of ice cream in the other saying "If you eat your chicken, you can have some ice cream" or " Come on, just take one little bite" or "Mmmm... chicken is so yummy". By the end of it, I was sure I had put her off chicken forever. Oh well. I think I will give up on understanding this one and just be happy it is one more food we can all share together.

Picky Eater

My daughter is a picky eater. In fact, I could list the only meals/ foods she will eat all too quickly: PB&J, Pasta w/ red sauce, Pizza, Grilled Cheese, Deli Turkey, ground beef, Green Beans (only if finely pureed), wild rice, Goldfish (of course) and, luckily, most fruits. Reading this back, it really isn't that bad. I've spoken to other moms of toddlers whose kids didn't have half as varied a repertoire.

Still, it is frustrating because she never used to be afraid to try new foods. We used to go out for dim sum on weekends and she would sit quietly in her high chair, eagerly awaiting the next new dish to sample. It wasn't until she was about 17 months old that she suddenly started to turn her lip at old favorites and aggressively reject anything new.

I am sure some of my readers are wondering what the big deal is. Just feed her what she likes, they might say. Well, I do. I can't starve her... or can I? More on this later. So, why do I care? I just want her to get the most out of food. We've been fortunate that the meals she does enjoy contain enough of what she needs nutritionally to keep her healthy. However, for John (my husband) and I, food is not just fuel. We enjoy it. Luckily for me, he enjoys cooking and, if I may say so myself, is damn good at it! Me, I just enjoy eating good food (which makes us very well suited to one another!). This is not to say that we both don't occasionally eat fast food that taste mostly like salt and recycled oil (Gasp! Terrible for you, I know.). But still, we want to expose our children to a variety of cuisines -to teach them about flavor and texture and how to talk about food. To me, learning how to describe what you are tasting in more detail than, "It's good" is just part of being well rounded.

I should admit that it is not only concern for my child's nutrition and for the development of her palate that makes me want to break her of her picky eating. Simply stated, John and I want to have three kids. But this does not mean we want to cook three separate meals three times a day!

As I type, I recognize that I am expecting too much of my toddler. Many two year olds are picky eaters. It is interesting to note that, historically, children across the globe were most often weaned at this age. I have read that picky eating may have evolved as a way to keep kids from accidentally poisoning themselves as they transitioned to a diet of solid foods. This would also explain why kids are more sensitive to bitterness in foods than adults (bitterness is often a sign of toxicity).

So, what do I plan to do with my picky eater? Well, like many concerned parents, I recently asked my pediatrician. She said, " Just don't offer her anything else. Serve her what you'd like her to eat and if she refuses it, take it away and bring it back the next time she asks for food." I should have remembered that this was the same woman who pressured me to use the Ferber method before I felt Dahlia was ready for it but, instead, I decided to give it a shot. For the entire day that followed, John offered her nothing but braised chicken. When I got home from work around 5, poor Dahlia was a wreck. I'd never seen her so miserable, irritable and desperate. It didn't take more than 15 minutes before we ordered a Pizza.

This experience just reinforced what I've always known. If every cell in your body is telling you something you are doing with your child is wrong, then it probably is. Starving her for a day just lowered her blood sugar and probably just made her feel nauseous and fatigued. Maybe in a year or two, she will be ready to play this kind of "hardball". Or, most likely, she will just outgrow this phase and I will have my little adventurous eater back. In any case, if it comes down to starving my child or making grilled cheeses every night for years, grilled cheeses win.

Not So Terrible Two's

We have all seen it and felt both sorry and embarrassed for the mom with her hands full of shopping bags trying to drag a screaming toddler to their feet in the middle of a crowded store. My sympathies to you if you have been this poor woman because, on top of it all, you often have several people gawking at you as they would a car wreck or a street fight.

Dahlia pulled a more toned down version of this once, at J.C. Penney. She wanted to run free through the store and, having no concept of "stranger danger" or the likelihood of running face-first into a clothing rack, who wouldn't? To her, it must have seemed needlessly unjust to be restrained to hold hands and walk at a grown-ups pace. Still, when she let her knees buckle and quietly refused to stand, I found myself in that awful situation: hands full, uncooperative child and a dozen or so prying eyes watching the sweat start to trickle down my face. In the end, I lied and told her that there was ice cream waiting for her in the car (wrong, I know, but it worked just long enough for me to pay for my stuff and high tail it out of there!). Needless to say, that was the last time I braved the mall without a stroller!

Aside from this nearly isolated incident, the terrible two's have treated us quite well (so far). In fact, this stage is one of my favorites. Dahlia learns things so quickly, now. She can identify basic colors and shapes, count to seven and sing the alphabet song! She is an absolute chatterbox and very polite for a toddler, habitually saying "please", "thank you" and even "excuse me"! Best of all, she gets so much more out of her experiences. Cute example: ever since we visited the Atlanta Aquarium (which is a must-see for anyone in the area), she has been obsessed with sharks! She'll ask to see pictures of them anytime one of us is on the computer and pretends to be one when she takes a bath. She'll say "Arrrr! I'm a scary shark!" (We've tried to tell her that sharks don't roar but in her mind they still do).

I can easily go on forever but the point is that, everyday, Dahlia reveals more about what kind of person she'll grow up to be -her thoughts, what she dreams and imagines, what she enjoys and what she fears. I am now getting to know her in an entirely different way and, while I am eager to see what she will be like at 3 and at 5, I can wait because the terrible two's are amazing and not terrible at all!